The Brandon Schrey Report

I’m live from the 2009 NBA Draft. I’ll be posting live analysis and thoughts as the draft unfolds today.

4:02  Live look into the T-Wolves war room. Some guy is stuffing his face with macaroni salad. Not a good sign for a team who gave away Kevin Garnett two years ago on draft day.

4:05  Vince Carter is traded to the Magic, and they give up Courtney Lee! Idiots! Lee is just as good and makes 1/100th of the money.

4:07  Possible Amare Stoudemire trade to the Warriors.  Just what the Warriors need…a head case who will clash with the head coach AND management at the same time! Fun times all around! Let’s call it Chris Webber part deux.

4:10  Espn is letting us know about the impact of the Shaq trade to the Cavs. Here’s a fact they didn’t mention: Shaq will come into training camp 30 lbs overweight and sporting a Lionel Richie mullet.

4:13  Jay Bilas called Blake Griffin “special.”  This will become “special needs” after the Clippers ruin this kid who has the talent to be a  Tim Duncan-Amare Stoudemire love child.

4:15  Coming to theaters this fall… “Twins II” starring Blake and Taylor Griffin.

4:17   Ricky Rubio looks like a mutant Paul McCartney.

4:20   Best future NBA players  in this years draft 1) Blake Griffin 2) James Harden 3) Tyreke Evans.

4:22  It’s only 4:22 and I’m already annoyed by Stewart Scott’s lazy eye.

4:27  Looking into my crystal ball…Hassem Thabeet= Shawn Bradley, Stephon Curry=JJ Reddick.

4:28  Dick Vitale is reporting live from an air conditioned, quiet retirement community in Florida.

4:33  Commissioner David Stern hasn’t aged since he shaved that horrible mustache in 1987.

4:39  2 winning seasons for the Clippers in the last 30 years; Blake Griffin’s hair starts falling out today.

4:47 Coming to a poster near you in 2009…Haseem Thabeet! This guy is getting dunked on twice a game next year.

4:51  James Harden to OKC.  He really is the most NBA ready player in this draft, I see Paul Pierce in him.

4:53  The Thunder are making noise in the playoffs as soon as 2010-11. Durant-Westbrook-Harden is beautiful.

4:56  Harden takes the award for ugliest suit in this years draft.

4:57  The Kings take…Tyreke Evans.  He’ll make a quicker impact than Rubio and will be a better leader faster.

4:59  Ricky Rubio looks like he wants to choke his agent for letting him slip to #5.

5:04  Rubio and Love…coming to a Twin Cities pool hall near you! The women of Minnesota are licking their chops, don’t let the girls spike your orange juice Ricky!

5:06  “I’m Ricky Rubio” says Rubio when asked what NBA player he plays like.  Take it easy Mr-I’m-Too-Young-To-Buy-Alcohol-Or-Lead-An-NBA-Team.

5:13  Nice suit Johnny Flynn. You must be playing “Pinkie” in the next Friday movie .

5:15  Warriors select Stephen Curry, awesome pick G-State. The combined weight of your backcourt is now 300 lbs.

5:17  Get used to riding pine Curry…Don Nelson hates rookies and you basically play the same position as Monte Ellis.

5:17  Curry must be for someone else, like trade bait. Either that or the Warriors are idiots (what else is new).

5:21  Knicks select Jordan Hill and his “Predator” haircut.  “Jordan…get to the chopper!”

5:30 DeMar Derozan aka “Lil Romeo’s Pal” goes to the Raptors. Pop that zip on your face buddy.

5:31  Who scored more off the court last year at USC? DeRozan, Lil Romeo or his Dad Master P. UUUGGGHHHH. Na-Na-Na-Na!

5:33  Brandon Jennings and his crappy Under Armour ads get drafted by the Bucks. Bring lots of Under Armour to Milwaukee buddy, I’ve heard the weather sucks there during basketball season .

5:35  Rafer Alston traded to New Jersey. Vegas just posted odds at 3-1 that he’s involved in a shooting at Rucker Park this summer.

5:39  Terrence Williams to the Nets. As soon as Ty Lawson and Tyler Hansbrough get drafted in the next four picks…America changes the channel.

5:44  Bobcats on the clock. The good news, they can’t fail as bad as they did with the Morrison pick two years ago, the bad news GM Michael Jordan is calling this pick in from a craps table in Atlantic City.

5:45  Gerald Henderson to the Bobcats, if he gets a jump shot he’s the next Corey Maggette; over rated and over paid, can’t dribble and plays no defense.

5:50 This is not a deep draft. Some guy is going to get drafted soon who has to come down from the upper deck, and not the green room.

5:50  Hansbrough drafted by the Pacers. They are throwing out a white wash next year with Diener, Dunleavy, Hansbrough, Murphy and Foster. That same lineup heads to straight to Dave and Busters after every home game next year.

5:54  Metrosexual Espn reporter Ric Bucher tells us the Warriors are pushing hard for Amare Stoudemire. He’ll have more on this story after he gets his nails done and more blonde highlights in his hair.

5:56  Brandon Jennings IS in the house ladies and gentlemen. Brandon becomes the first player to come out of the same door as Commissioner Stern, and not from the audience. He looks like he’s an hour late for the prom.

5:57  Apparently the tears after being drafted by the effing Bucks have been wiped away with money from his agent, Bill Duffy, and the 5% he takes from Jennings contract.

5:59  Wipe off that frown Jrue Holiday…you’re going to get drafted by a good team and not a crappy Lottery team in the freezing Mid West. Winning is more important than money kid.

6:03  Austin Daye with a blue vest from the Bill Cosby collection gets drafted by the Pistons. He weighs 190 lbs and will be out of the league in three years! Good times for another Gonzaga alum.

6:06  With the 16th pick the Chicago Bulls select…Lil Romeo, multi platinum kid sensation from USC, Beverly Hills High School, New Orleans & Richmond, California. Romeo is the first No Limit Soldier to be drafted by an NBA team. UUUUUGGGHHHH. Na-Na-Na-Na

6:12  Jrue Holiday just cried on National TV after falling to 17.

6:13  I’m writing this blog, watching the draft live, listening to the new Eminem CD, drinking a Corona, AND texting my boy Dustin. Now that’s muti-tasking. Take that Generation Y!

6:20  Roy Williams caught texting Mike Krzyzewski on live TV, telling him that Duke players never pan out in the NBA.

6:25  FACT: Only one Duke alum has ever won an NBA championship; Danny Ferry while with the 2003 Spurs.

6:26  R.I.P Michael Jackson. “Thriller” is the best pop album of all time. Period.

6:27  Okay, we’re not even out of the first round yet and most of the guys aren’t  in the building. This draft is garbage. I’m out in two picks.

6:39  Blazers select the first Euro-Stiff in this years draft, Victor “Who Gives A Shit” Claver.  Must Improve: Tan.

6:40  Arizona Wildcat Chase Budinger should get drafted by a winning team, learn from seasoned veterans, and become a better NBA player with this draft slippage.

6:45  Okay, the live blog is over now that another Euro trash player has been drafted by the best team in Northern California, the Kings.  Final thoughts tonight…

Final Thoughts…

New nickname for Brandon Jennings; “Mr. High Maintenance.” He bails on Arizona, plays in Europe to get paid, watches the draft from his hotel room because he’s not guaranteed a top 7 pick, and now he shows up a half hour after being drafted to take his picture with the Commish. GFY Brandon Jennings.

Chase Budinger drops all the way to the 44th pick  in the second round. This guy was a Lottery pick two weeks ago. It’s a hard knock life.

Jack McClinton goes in the second round, and the first thing out of Stew Scott’s mouth is  “McClinton has 16 tattoos.” Thanks.

Since this draft was so bad, there will be monster trades this summer. Count on it.

OK…thats it. I’m off to Men’s Warehouse to buy two suits for $199, take the first plane to Europe , become the Jerry Maguire of basketball and sign Ricky Rubio’s illegitimate son who is 6 months old.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 6:32 pm and is filed under NBA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.